非淡泊无以明志,非宁静无以致远

–访谈滑铁卢心理咨询师黄海凌女士

[本报记者 海伦采访报道] 初次见到黄海凌女士,寒暄,交换名片后,看到我的英文名字是海伦。黄女士立即分享了一个关于名字的故事:原本她的英文名字也是“海伦”,因为在国内时是做进出口贸易,“海伦”这个名字用了很长一段时间。在移民到加拿大以后,也就自然的继续沿用“海伦”。认识的中国朋友几乎都有英文名字,比如,女的就叫Judy、Sandy、Sarah,男的就叫Frank、Steve、Charles等等。我们中国人的理论是,这样老外好记、好叫。

Hailing-Pic黄女士与Dalton Associates创始人Dalton博士

一直到过了几年之后,在Express Employment Center上班时,一位从英国来的资深高级职业咨询师John问黄女士,“你的名字是什么?是Helen,还是Hailing?”黄女士回答说:“都是,都可以,那个方便就叫那个”。当时John就说了一番道理,“名字是一个人的标志,不要因为不好发音,就更改自己的标志,加拿大人发不清你的名字,你可以帮助他们。”

John的一番话引起了黄女士的思考,虽不完全赞同,但也确实开始意识到来自其他国家的人,很少更改自己的名字,比如印度、巴勒斯坦、中东的等等,都保留自己的名字。从此之后,黄女士的名片上也就只有一个中国名字。这个名字背后的故事,也体现了中西方不同的价值理念,中国人以他人方便为中心的思考方式,而西方人则是以尊重自己为准则。

黄女士,福建,福州人。虽说是南方人,却说一口标准的普通话。一问才知小时跟随父母辗转南北,在陕西华山度过了童年时代。黄女士学的是英语专业,在国内从事长达七年的进出口贸易。由于工作勤奋,业绩突出,曾被评为所在公司的十佳外贸员。家世颇好的她,一切似乎都顺理成章。结婚,工作,生活,日子忙忙碌碌。她努力地做好各种社会角色:好员工、好妻子、好女儿。然而工作的经历,生活的经验,以及与越多的人接触,让她越来越意识到有钱,有享受并不给人带来心灵的宁静,力量,和真正的快乐。周围朋友家庭的不幸,以及自己家庭关系的问题,困惑引起她的深深的思考。是什么阻碍了一个人的心智发展,是什么阻碍了家庭的和睦和健康成长?夜深人静时,黄女士总是质疑幸福的真实性和生存的意义。尽管她不知道什么样的人生适合自己,但不甘心这样无奈的沉默。她认为找到这些答案,才是对自己最完整的交代。身处福州侨乡,身边一个个同学、同事很快都出国了。很快,她也选择了移民,开始了另外一种探索。

2002年,黄女士登陆加国,像大多移民一样,她面临许多考验,但能及时调整好心态,学习英语,积极的参加社会活动,做各种义工,并在Tim Horton、中国餐馆打工,希望尽快地融入到加拿大的社会环境中。一天无意中黄女士来到了滑铁卢图书馆,那么多开放式的资料,让她惊呆了。目前,中国的经济条件、物质、科技条件,可以赶超国外水平。可是,光这一项,国家开办的公共图书馆,就一下子让人意识到中国对教育重视的不足之处。华人重视读书,却没有把资金投入到建立图书馆这种公益事业上。真是一个很大的遗憾。如鱼得水,黄女士贪恋地吸取各种见解,知识为她打开了一道道新的门。知识的浇灌使黄女士更为丰盈和坚强。正是这种理论与实践的结合过程中,黄女士的人际网络得到不断拓展,重新找到生活的坐标。

Hailing1兢兢业业工作中的海凌

一个偶然的机会,黄女士读到一本关于人的个性论的心理书籍(Enneagram Personality)。作者根据人类的九性格分类,总结出人们的行为、情感,和思考习惯的理论依据。照着书本的分析,黄女士惊讶地发现书中的描述非常合理,很能解释人的各种不同的性格特点,以及长处,和弱点。黄女士逐渐被心理学神秘所吸引、震撼,就像阿里巴巴找到了宝藏一样欣喜若狂。最为重要的是,她能够用科学方法来解释人的抑郁、压抑、以及不和谐的原因。黄女士学会从全新的角度去了解人,理解生活,分析,和体验人生。

2003年,在小孩出生后不久,黄女士决定申请Wilfrid Laurier大学,学习心理学专业,做好了边带孩子,边上课的准备。虽说是英语科班出身,但课堂上的专业术单词让她如听天书,更别说记笔记了。看到同学们踊跃发言,坐在年轻人中间的教室里,倍感压力。然而,好学的精神和认真的态度很快就让黄女士安心下来,既来之,则安之。学校、家、图书馆,三点成一线的寒窗苦读。半年以后,黄女士已经可以象其它学生一样,在课堂上流利地回答问题,课后和教授剖析论自己的观点和见解。心理学的本科是很难的,尤其是最初的理论,枯燥而又乏味,25%的考试淘汰率,最初的两年,如履薄冰。黄女士笑着说,拿心理学学位,就是对心理承受力的炼狱。

2009年,黄女士申请了进一步的深造,开始心理学硕士的的学习,同时也开始了咨询实习(KW Counselling Service),那又是一个新的挑战!大家知道,每一种心理疾病的表象都不一样,诱因也是形形色色。心理医生把握好跟不同的病人沟通,取的病人的信任感,获取充分的,有效的信息,并根据具体的信息,分析,判断可能得病因。要打开病人的心结,咨询师必须找到那把正确的钥匙,才能打开心锁。工作压力很大,黄女士再一次全身心的投入到资料的查询,与同行的探讨,与导师的咨询,与病人的交谈的过程。功夫不负有心人,由于她的敬业与亲和力,黄女士慢慢积累了自己的客户,她的方式渐渐的被西人客户接纳,并受到好评。由于语言沟通无障碍,500多名客户大多是西人,只有极小一部分是华人。

黄女士最欣赏的导师之一是Peter Vankatwyk,Peter曾指出作为专业心理咨询师要具备有四个基本素质。首先,深入扎实的理论基础。其次,广泛多元的实践经验。第三,敏锐的洞察力。最后,对这个行业的衷心热爱。黄女士说自己就是根据这四点严格要求自己。 短短的两年内黄女士已经帮助500多个客户解除心理问题,并在Canadian Counselling & 批Psychotherapy 的官方网站发表了六篇文章。正是在这些实战中,黄女士积累了丰富的经验。她的敬业精神受到导师和客户的好评。黄女士提供了导师Peter Vankatwy 的赠言中写到:I readily recognized the high level of energy, enthusiasm and insight she brought to her studies…… I highly recommend Hailing as a person of deep personal conviction, care and commitment in her counselling practice. 黄女士解释说,“不能简单地将心理咨询作为自己的职业,而是要真正爱上这个行业。假若只把它当作一个单纯的职业,你很难愿意花时间精力,去洞察客人的心态。公事公办的方法是做不好心理咨询。只有当你爱好这个职业的,你才会自然的全身心的投入。咨询师与客户之间才有真正的互动,才能达到有效的治疗。”

谈到这几年来加拿大的收获,黄女士分析到,加拿大有很多的学习和提高自我的机会。就看一个人如何把握,不要害怕苦难,把人生的苦难当作是认识自己的机会。第二,人要有内在的衡量和评判标准。这是自信的基石!在当今的社会物欲横流的社会,没有明确的内在准则,往往会无意间随波逐流。第三,要懂得了解自我的情绪和自我的关爱。这点对身处异国他乡的华人来讲尤其显得重要。

当谈及华人对心理咨询的认识的时候,黄女士表示华人移民总体来讲对心理健康的知识匮乏,往往把心理咨询当作神经病的代名词。其实,心理健康有三个层次。第一层是,可定义为心理问题,在这个阶段做心理咨询的效果最好。心理问题人人都会遇到,比如,家庭关系的处理,工作中的困惑,孩子的教育,新环境的调整。这些心理症状就像人得感冒,发烧一样,很正常。心里咨询,会帮你放下包袱,打开心菲,得到鼓励并排解困惑。第二阶段,即发展的心理障碍,这时就要靠一定的药物来配合心理的治疗。第三阶段,是心理疾病,这就是人们通常理解的精神病。这个阶段,要靠大量的药物调剂,心理咨询的效果就不显著。黄女士深有感触,“心理疾病与生理疾病同理,愈早治疗,效果愈好。”

谈及下一步的打算,黄女士希望自己的同路人心里咨询室,能为越来越多的华人服务,也希望做一些心理公益讲座,到时希望大家给于支持和鼓励,欢迎大家来分享自己的知识和经验,让更多的朋友受益,快乐别人,成就自己。

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